The Wondering Mind blog

In the early 20th century, Sigmund Freud introduced a concept that continues to resonate in contemporary psychotherapy: repetition compulsion. It’s the curious tendency of humans to repeat past behaviors, even when those behaviors lead to pain or dysfunction. Freud observed that people often reenact early relational dynamics or traumatic experiences—not because they enjoy suffering, but because the psyche is trying to master unresolved conflict. In his 1920 work Beyond the Pleasure Principle, Freud wrote, “the patient repeats instead of remembering.” This repetition, he argued, is not driven by pleasure but by an unconscious compulsion to relive and perhaps resolve the original wound.

Freud’s insight laid the groundwork for understanding why we might find ourselves stuck in familiar patterns—choosing similar partners, reacting in predictable ways, or sabotaging our own growth. These patterns are not random. They are echoes of our early relational environment, shaped by the creative adjustments we made to survive and connect.

The Familiar as a Survival Strategy

As children, we adapt to our environment in ingenious ways. If love was conditional, we may have learned to please others to feel safe. If emotions were dismissed or punished, we may have learned to suppress them. If comfort was scarce, food might have become a reliable source of soothing. These adaptations—people pleasing, emotional avoidance, comfort eating—are not flaws. They are strategies. They helped us get through.

But what once protected us can become a prison. As adults, these patterns may no longer serve us. They can become maladaptive, meaning they interfere with our ability to thrive. The people pleaser may struggle to assert boundaries. The emotional avoider may feel disconnected from themselves and others. The comfort eater may feel trapped in cycles of shame and self-soothing.

As the saying goes, “If you always do what you’ve always done, you will always get what you always got.” This quote, often attributed to Henry Ford (though its origins are debated), captures the essence of repetition compulsion. Familiarity breeds predictability—but not necessarily growth.

The Double-Edged Sword of Familiarity

There’s a paradox at the heart of repetition compulsion. The familiar can be frustrating, even boring. We may feel stuck, disillusioned, or hopeless. Yet it can also be soothing. There’s comfort in knowing how the story goes, even if the ending is painful. Comfort eating, for example, may push down emotions that feel too overwhelming to face. It may be damaging in the long run, but in the moment, it offers relief.

This tension between frustration and soothing is what makes change so difficult. To move beyond the familiar is to risk vulnerability. It’s to face the pain and shame that created the pattern in the first place. And that’s no small task.

The Growing Edge vs. The Trailing Edge

In Gestalt therapy, there’s a concept known as the growing edge—the place where possibility and change reside. It’s where we stretch beyond our comfort zone, experiment with new behaviors, and risk being seen. But there’s also the trailing edge—the part of us that clings to old patterns out of fear, dread, or hopelessness.

The growing edge is exhilarating. The trailing edge is terrifying. And both are part of the process.

Albert Einstein famously said, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” While not a clinical definition, the quote captures the futility of repetition without reflection. To break the cycle, we must first see the cycle. We must become curious about our patterns, not judgmental. We must ask: What purpose did this serve? What pain does this protect me from? What might happen if I did something different?

The Price of Growth: Vulnerability and Shame

Moving out of familiar patterns is not just a behavioral shift—it’s an emotional reckoning. It exposes us to the very feelings we’ve worked so hard to avoid. Shame, in particular, is often at the root. The shame of not being enough. The shame of needing too much. The shame of being seen.

But growth requires us to tolerate this shame. Not to eliminate it, but to hold it with compassion. Vulnerability is the price of transformation. It’s the doorway through which healing enters.

Navigating the Terrain of Change

So how do we begin? Awareness is the first step. Naming the pattern—whether it’s people pleasing, emotional avoidance, or self-soothing through food—creates space for choice. From there, we can experiment with new responses. We can practice saying no. We can allow ourselves to feel. We can reach for connection instead of comfort.

Therapy, journaling, mindfulness, and relational support can all help us navigate this terrain. But the journey is not linear. We will slip back into old patterns. We will feel the pull of the familiar. That’s okay. Each time we choose differently, even in small ways, we strengthen the growing edge.

Conclusion: Frustration as a Signal, Not a Sentence

Repetition compulsion is not a life sentence. It’s a signal. A sign that something in us is seeking resolution. The frustration we feel in the familiar is not just a burden—it’s a clue. It tells us that we’re ready for something more. That the old way no longer fits. That growth, while painful, is possible.